Friday, March 30, 2012

Failure

On the day of my six month midwife appointment I got to the office early to drink the glucose for my gestational diabetes screening.

I chugged the nasty syrup then proceeded on to my appointment. Our appointment went well and following that I headed to the lab to get blood drawn. They said my results would be back in a day and I anxiously awaited the phone call.

Then I got a little impatient and called the office and then I waited some more to hear the news I was dreading, that I had failed my 1 hour screening.

I knew it shouldn't have come as a surprise that failure was in my future since I was diagnosed with Insulin Resistance when I was 20 but I was so hopeful that the reversal that had happened 3 years later would stick around through my pregnancy. My midwife said that I most likely would have gestational diabetes because I am already predisposed to insulin intolerance but I wanted to badly to have beaten that diagnosis.

When I got the news I couldn't help but cry, and cry some more. I was so disappointed. In myself for not controlling my cravings enough and for my body for not creating the most perfect space for our little baby to grow in. I was frustrated knowing that a year without a kitchen had hurt my body and my health and knowing that I have a month to go before I have a kitchen.

I had made my first mom fail.

As I lay in bed that night crying myself to sleep (what can I say, pregnancy hormones are intense) I told Jus how disappointed in myself I was and that that was the first negative day I had had during my pregnancy.

Jus was very supportive but also very realistic. He reminded me that our midwife said I would most likely have gestational diabetes and that it was an easy fix. I've been working on tweaking my diet to make it healthier. Trying to relax and let go of the stress that is doing nothing for LBL & me.

I'm scheduled to go in for the three hour fasting test Monday and my fingers & toes are crossed hoping that I pass this test an can continue to create a happy place for LBL without worrying about giving into my cravings for watermelon, strawberries & cake.

8 comments:

Krysten @ Why Girls Are Weird said...

Cole, no one's perfect. I know it must be disappointing but you're an amazing person and I know you're going to be an amazing mom.

Rachel Anne said...

I know that feeling.

With my first pregnancy I passed the one hour test so I thought it would be smooth sailing the second time around. I failed the one hour test with my second pregnancy and was worried it was just one more terrible thing to add to the rough time I was already having this second time around. Add to that a family history of diabetes and I was really scared. Luckily I passed the three hour test.

I hope that everything comes out positive for you!

Lena at A Crimson Kiss said...

Oh Cole, Krysten took the words right out of my mouth–you're going to be an amazing mom, and this isn't a reflection on you. Just keep growing that little one with all your love.

Jessica said...

Don't let this get you down! It's nothing YOU did, it's just something that happens to some moms. Think about it this way, a year from now, two years from now, when you're holding that sweet baby -- none of this will even matter! Sending you hugs and best of luck for your 3 hours appointment. :D

Kelsey said...

Im keeping my fingers crossed that you dont have it!! But, perfume (creature gorgeous) and pashmina both had GD and they have perfect babies. So please don't let it get you down. LBL just needs a happy mama.

daisymay aka Chantele said...

Hey Cole, just relax its not a major deal. You cant have done anything about it, this is simply your hormones making you upset. Im sure LBL will be strong and healthy so it just needs a happy Mum too!!
Daisy Dayz
Cross-Jones-Photography
The Penthouse Clan

Mrs. Pancakes said...

im sure everything will work itself out..the baby is good that's all that matters!

Murdock's mama said...

Don't take it personal, this happens to lots of women! If this is the worst 'mom fail' you have...you're doing alright...trust me! You got this girl! :)